So Happy It Hurts

The title of this post may have led you to believe that it was going to be about the fact that Missy Elliott just dropped a new video (gah! the puppets!), but alas, it's actually about my baby.

Abe hit seven months old on Tuesday and I found myself in tears that morning, telling Dann how sad I was that he seems to be getting older so fast. As I tried to articulate why the realization that our son is growing and changing and basically doing exactly what he's supposed to do made me feel so so sad, these are the words that tumbled out: "I'm sad because he's a little bit less connected to me each day, that as he grows up he'll separate himself from us in order to become a healthy, functional adult. And I'm sad that one day death will separate us." Now, I do sometimes have a slight tendency to put the proverbial cart before the horse and worry needlessly about the future. I fully believe that Dann and I will grow old together as Abe's mom and dad, and I have a deeply rooted hope that we will see him do things like graduate from high school, get married, and one day have kids of his own. I also believe in the general idea of life after death and eternity and all that, so I don't believe that death has the final word, just that it comes with a very real sadness.

But on Tuesday morning, in that moment at the kitchen sink, as I realized where the sadness was coming from, I looked at my husband and my baby boy and I had to catch my breath. Because, I thought, this is it. This is my life. It's happening now. The reason the prospect of being separated from my baby makes me so sad is because he is such a true gift. Because when I see him smile or hear him giggle, it's almost too much for me to handle. Because I feel a literal, physical ache in my chest when I think about how much I love him. Because the other night when I couldn't sleep and, again, tried to articulate what I was feeling to Dann, the only words I could muster were "I'm so happy it hurts". I didn't know, you guys. I didn't know that becoming a mom would make me feel such feelings

The truth is that last seven months have not been what I would call 'easy', but they have been so so good and today I want to proclaim it. Amen?